Significant Dates

The mind is a mysterious thing. The subconscious can remember all sorts of things that the conscious self is completely unaware of. This I've learned extensively about, especially recently.

The boyfriend, usually cheerful, has been grumpy. He said the spring is hard for him. Early spring was his wedding anniversary with his late wife, and late spring/early summer, she died. They didn't have a lot of time, so I've been told. She was diagnosed, treated, re missioned, then re diagnosed. After the re diagnosis they thought they had several months, but they only got 6 weeks. Isn't that horrible? 6 weeks. And it went fast.

It's kind of an awful spot to be in, really. I mean, his subconscious is aware of it, and I know that on a conscious level, things seem fine. He's moved on tremendously well. He's raised Macy to be a lovely bubbly girl, so smart and full of spunk, albeit slightly indulged at times. But I can see it eating away at him right now, and he blames it on everything but that. The weather, Macy's behavior, his allergies and sinuses, being tired. I don't know why he won't just say it. He's sad. For fuck's sake, who wouldn't be?

It's hard for me to watch him be sad. It's also hard for me when he's grumpy. I'm not sure what to do, and frankly, I'm getting tired of it. It would be one thing if he were grumpy and he'd admit it to me - ya know? But I ask him what's wrong, and he gives me these lame excuses, which don't warrant the behavior.

Like for instance today. Tonight is date night. We try to have date night once a week. I'm a nanny, he has a child. I need one night a week with him without any children around. I don't think this is too much to ask for - none of the beautiful children in my life are mine, and I just need one night a week with my boyfriend, all of the others I'm more than happy to spend with somebody else's children. So he got a sitter. This morning he emailed me and said that his sitter emailed him and said that she awoke with a sore throat, and wasn't sure she could make it tonight, but that he asked her to keep him posted throughout the day. Um, lame. Not him, her.

As a side bar, totally lame. I know this sitter, and she's ridiculous. She charges more per hour than I do, and she doesn't change any diapers, Macy is 8 and puts herself to bed. We've come home and the sitter has been asleep in the guest room bed. This sitter sets her own hours, brings stuff over to make rice krispy treats then takes them all home with her (who does that, they're rice krispy treats for God's sake not caviar canapes), and is now cancelling because of a sore throat? Pah-lease. She's not french kissing Macy, simply making sure she doesn't burn down the house. I could get an arm amputated and not cancel on somebody, I know how important date nights are to parents. Just wait you sitter, just you wait.

So I ask the boyfriend, could you try to find somebody else in the meantime and just tell "the sitter" that you hope she feels better so we can still go out? Sure he says, and he does. Thank you boyfriend, thank you. Then he sends me a cryptic email that says, "So and so can come, but I'll be pretty late." Ok, what does that mean? We're meeting people for dinner. 20 minutes late? 30 minutes late? 2 hours late? Come on. Work with me here. So rather than continuing this email charade, I pick up the phone and call him, and he doesn't answer. Great. You just emailed me from your "smart phone", yet you can't pick up. Passive aggressive anyone? So I leave a cheerful message along the lines of thinking it would be easier to connect in person, and just curious about how late is late, and blah blah blah...call me when you can, thanks, click.

So he does. And he's g.r.u.m.p.y.
- Ok, so what's wrong now?
- Oh, well, I had to do all these errands today.
- (Oh really, poor guy.) And?
- Well, and I don't have everything figured out for this weekend.
- (We're supposed to go away this weekend with Macy to a neighboring state since it's Memorial Day weekend.) Ok - well, we don't have to go you know.
- Well, Macy is looking forward to it now.
- Well, you can always tell her that it isn't going to work out.
- Well, yeah, but she really wants to go.
- Ok, well, do you need some help? You can ask for help if you need it. (Please hear, stop pouting like a 4th grader.)
- I don't know.
- Ok, well, I'm sitting at my computer and I can help look up some stuff.
- Yeah, sure.

So I do, and I'm telling him, and he's still grumpy.

- Are you gonna be ok?
- I just have a lot to do. (Really. I'm in the middle of working on my free-lance stuff, so do I, but I stopped to help.)
- Where are we eating tonight anyway?
- Well, there are three options on the table, Dave is in a meeting as soon as he gets out we'll all decide, I can send you an email with the address.
- Yeah, ok. I gotta go.

So I follow through with what I say I'll do, even though I'm not very happy about it, because I feel like he's being rude.

Mostly what I feel is hurt. When he won't tell me what's going on, I feel isolated and alone, and that makes me feel really sad.

I hate to see him sad, and I wish that he could trust me enough to tell me what was going on. I wish that he could trust me enough to tell me that he didn't want to go out tonight if he doesn't want to go.

I get tired of trying to decipher through the mood swings to figure out what is going on, I'd like for him to use his words.

I have significant dates of my own. They include him, and I'd like to have more. I'd like to move forward and not be stuck in the past.

I have a friend who is going through a nasty divorce. She has children with this man. She said to me the other day that she has often wondered if it would be easier if he had died rather than having to divorce him. I said, well, it is definitely easier in some respects...there isn't another woman making my life hell, that's for sure, but there are different issues that you have to deal with, different types of ghosts so to speak.

An untimely death of a spouse sucks. I don't know how else to say it. I love the boyfriend and Macy so much. It is a strange situation to be in their lives because of a tragedy such that they they have experienced. If I could erase it for them, I would. I hate that that had to live through that pain, but I cannot express to you how incredibly happy I am to have them in my life. It's a complicated journey, this one that I'm on. Every day is new and different, and we are learning a lot along the way.

I pray for wisdom everyday.