i just had no idea.

this whole marriage thing, it's hard. so hard. i've heard it described that way, and i truly had no idea. i always envisioned it as such a happy time. i mean, come on. all of the photos make it look that way. blissful. the happiest time of your life.
i don't feel that way. not at all.
it feels so incredibly difficult.
so. incredibly. difficult.

i started writing this blog with the intentions to help myself, and in the process, help others. i've always heard that when you're in a serious relationship you're not supposed to talk to too many people about your problems, so i don't. instead, i write about them, hoping along the way to work this stuff out in my own head.

i don't know if other people go through this stuff too. i don't know if these feelings are normal, if we're a mismatch, what. the boyfriend has been married before, and i want to ask him if it was this difficult the first time around, but of course, he wasn't a widower the first time around. he also wasn't maneuvering through a relationship with a 9 year old the first time around. it isn't an apples to apples comparison. and frankly, i don't really want to be comparing our relationship to his first one, i fight doing that to myself enough.

i continually struggle with our situation. i basically live with he and macy, i haven't slept in my apartment in months. i still pay for my apartment, and my cats live in my apartment - a $1,000.00/month cat house. it's quite a strain actually. a terrible strain. ever so slowly over the past two years of my unemployment, i've been working my @$$ off babysitting and doing odd jobs to make ends meet, and ever so slowly drawing down from my savings account until basically, there is nothing left. i've made it for two years, and that i'm proud of, but it's hit panic mode at this point.

the boyfriend and i have had numerous conversations about this. he wants me to get rid of my apartment and officially move in with him, which i'd like to do too, but i'm not going to do it until we are officially engaged. i simply don't want to. i need the security of knowing it's really going to happen before i let go of what is mine - my home. i feel like i've given up a lot already, ya know? i mean, it's tough being a single girl, and gaining this whole family in one sitting. even though it's what i've wanted, it's still a shock. i feel that we've done remarkably well, but it's been a struggle too.

also, his home is basically set up the way it was when his family was complete, before his first wife tragically died. the majority of her things have been removed, but a few things still remain. of course. i mean, they shared that home together for at least a decade. their family photos are up everywhere. in his room there are photos of the two of them together, the dresser still has some personal items of hers in there, and there are two night stands, one of which is full of her items. there are also a few items in the closet. i've not said anything about these things - because really, what am i to say? it's become a tad of a conundrum as he wants me to move in, but how do you move in when it feels like there are already three people living there?

over the last weekend we did talk about how i needed some space to call my own, that there isn't really any space that is "mine". we worked a bit on that, clearing out a closet that was full of macy's baby clothes and toys. that was emotional for him, and i knew it would be. it's hard. it's closing a chapter on a life that nobody expected to cut short. and just as i felt nostalgic for my apartment, i'm sure he felt nostalgic for what was. i completely understood, and wanted to help him, even though i knew that he needed to work through it on his own.

it's just a difficult time.

and it's so hard for me. i don't know exactly where my home is. i live there, but still have my stuff at my apartment. the worst blow of all came later in the week, yesterday. we still aren't engaged, and therefore, i am still looking for ways to keep my rent paid. as school is back in session, my regular sitting jobs have gone back to slimmer hours, and i've been trying to pick up more hours. i applied for some jobs out near his house since that is where i spend most of my time, and had some interviews. i didn't get either job. the blow, however, came in the form of this response from the woman, who liked me a lot but found someone who better suited her needs because she was "local".

when i told this to the boyfriend he said "how much more local did she want? you live right here." and i said, "but here's the thing, i don't, technically i live in the city." and he said, "but i don't understand why for the sake of the job, you couldn't just tell her that you live here." and i said, "because, i don't want to tell people that i live here, when technically, i don't. i'm sure you can appreciate that." silence from him.

silence that led to more silence and more silence and more silence piled upon more silence until finally i said, "i'm going to bed." which led him to say, "i'll have to move macy, she's in our bed." damn. a thunderstorm. could this day be more annoying? "yes, you'll need to move her, i'd like to go to bed." so he moved her. and i went to bed. and he came, and i said "i don't know where my home is and i'm tired of it." and we had h.o.t. sex. like the stuff movies are made of.

and then i woke up at 4:30 am and i couldn't fall back asleep, because my thoughts were so circular. it's always the same - one things feeds into the other which feeds into the other which comes back around to the first, and i'm left wondering if i've made the right decision by shacking up with him, or if it would be best for me to just go back and stay at my house that i work so hard to pay for until he is ready to have me truly move in?

so i got up at 4:30 and went downstairs and read. and he came looking for me. but i wasn't in the mood to talk.

so i read until macy got up for school. and i just wasn't in the mood to do all of the stuff i normally do for her and him in the mornings. i didn't help get her ready for school nor pack her lunch nor make her breakfast. i didn't make sure her hair was brushed nor tell her to get dressed, i just kept sitting there and reading. and i didn't ride with them to school. i just kept reading and reading and reading.

and he came back and kissed me and i just kept reading.

then finally at 10 i took a break and looked at facebook, and i lost it. competely had a meltdown. another friend got engaged last night, and somebody else posted their wedding photos, and here i sit, with no movement from the man who claims to want to marry me.

and i went upstairs and laid on the bed and cried. and he came in and hugged me. and i laid there and cried. and i finally said: "i'm just not sure what to do anymore. i really don't know. everyone is getting engaged and married, and you're not moving. i don't know what to do anymore." and he stared at me. so i continued, "do you know what it feels like to come in here and sleep in a room that's full of photos of your family? or to share a dresser with you and your wife? or to go to bed with a nightstand full of her stuff? or to open the closet and see her belongings? i haven't said anything because what am i to say, but do you have any idea how that feels?"

and he just looked at me. so i continued because i thought this was my only chance, "i mean, i just don't get it, and i keep telling you, but you don't do anything. it costs me $1,000.00 every month that i have to scrape together in babysitting money to pay for an apartment that you don't want me to live in. i have gone so far as to apply for jobs at grocery stores and big box stores. where do i live? shoud i apply for jobs there by the place i pay to live or here at the place that i actually stay? the ultimate was yesterday when i didn't get a job because i'm not considered to live here, even though this is where i stay, and you think you can just take you time and go through every room at your own leisure...i don't know if i should leave and let you just do things as you need to and come back when you've taken your time or what i should do at this point, what should i do?"

and he said, "what is it that you want me to do? i don't understand what you want me to do?"

and i said, "i don't really think that i should have to be telling you what you should do to make room for me in your house. i think that if you really want this, you should know what you need to do. i mean, winter is coming again, and you are the only one that can park in the garage for instance - did you ever think that perhaps i would like to park in the garage so i don't have to scrape off my car everyday? why would i need to tell you that? why wouldn't you think of that on your own? you should be thinking of me and of how to make room for me to be here if you want me here, i shouldn't have to tell you this stuff. i see other men marrying women, and i doubt they have to be told what to do, do you even really want this to happen?"

and he said, "yes". he continued, "i'd be more likely to clean up the basement if it didn't get filled up with stuff again. it's like i clean it and it just gets filled up with stuff again."

i just looked at him.

i got up and took a shower. while i was in the shower i could hear him cleaning stuff out. i came in the bedroom to dress after the shower, and i got dressed and noticed he was wearing his ipod headphones. i tapped him on the shoulder and told him i was leaving.

i took my computer and my book club book, and i left. i didn't really know where i was going, nor how long i'll be gone.

i've come to my apartment.

i have pet my cats for hours. i've called to lower my cell phone bill. i've made a vet appointment for next week, and i've written this blog. i don't really know what else to do, but i don't feel like going back, at least not yet.

i feel hurt.

macy will be looking for me after school.

i suppose i should get over it. i suppose that's what you have to do when you're in a relationship, get over it.

it's so annoying though. i mean, really?

i simply don't want to be always telling him what to do. i just don't. why can't he think of that stuff on his own. i mean, realistically, i'd think that he doesn't want to be bossed around by me.

how does it work?

the most frustrating thing is that i want to talk to my mom. but you're not supposed to talk to your mom about your significant other, they can't remain neutral, right?

i feel so alone. that's the worst part, i feel so damn alone.

does everybody feel this way in a relationship?