i just had no idea.

this whole marriage thing, it's hard. so hard. i've heard it described that way, and i truly had no idea. i always envisioned it as such a happy time. i mean, come on. all of the photos make it look that way. blissful. the happiest time of your life.
i don't feel that way. not at all.
it feels so incredibly difficult.
so. incredibly. difficult.

i started writing this blog with the intentions to help myself, and in the process, help others. i've always heard that when you're in a serious relationship you're not supposed to talk to too many people about your problems, so i don't. instead, i write about them, hoping along the way to work this stuff out in my own head.

i don't know if other people go through this stuff too. i don't know if these feelings are normal, if we're a mismatch, what. the boyfriend has been married before, and i want to ask him if it was this difficult the first time around, but of course, he wasn't a widower the first time around. he also wasn't maneuvering through a relationship with a 9 year old the first time around. it isn't an apples to apples comparison. and frankly, i don't really want to be comparing our relationship to his first one, i fight doing that to myself enough.

i continually struggle with our situation. i basically live with he and macy, i haven't slept in my apartment in months. i still pay for my apartment, and my cats live in my apartment - a $1,000.00/month cat house. it's quite a strain actually. a terrible strain. ever so slowly over the past two years of my unemployment, i've been working my @$$ off babysitting and doing odd jobs to make ends meet, and ever so slowly drawing down from my savings account until basically, there is nothing left. i've made it for two years, and that i'm proud of, but it's hit panic mode at this point.

the boyfriend and i have had numerous conversations about this. he wants me to get rid of my apartment and officially move in with him, which i'd like to do too, but i'm not going to do it until we are officially engaged. i simply don't want to. i need the security of knowing it's really going to happen before i let go of what is mine - my home. i feel like i've given up a lot already, ya know? i mean, it's tough being a single girl, and gaining this whole family in one sitting. even though it's what i've wanted, it's still a shock. i feel that we've done remarkably well, but it's been a struggle too.

also, his home is basically set up the way it was when his family was complete, before his first wife tragically died. the majority of her things have been removed, but a few things still remain. of course. i mean, they shared that home together for at least a decade. their family photos are up everywhere. in his room there are photos of the two of them together, the dresser still has some personal items of hers in there, and there are two night stands, one of which is full of her items. there are also a few items in the closet. i've not said anything about these things - because really, what am i to say? it's become a tad of a conundrum as he wants me to move in, but how do you move in when it feels like there are already three people living there?

over the last weekend we did talk about how i needed some space to call my own, that there isn't really any space that is "mine". we worked a bit on that, clearing out a closet that was full of macy's baby clothes and toys. that was emotional for him, and i knew it would be. it's hard. it's closing a chapter on a life that nobody expected to cut short. and just as i felt nostalgic for my apartment, i'm sure he felt nostalgic for what was. i completely understood, and wanted to help him, even though i knew that he needed to work through it on his own.

it's just a difficult time.

and it's so hard for me. i don't know exactly where my home is. i live there, but still have my stuff at my apartment. the worst blow of all came later in the week, yesterday. we still aren't engaged, and therefore, i am still looking for ways to keep my rent paid. as school is back in session, my regular sitting jobs have gone back to slimmer hours, and i've been trying to pick up more hours. i applied for some jobs out near his house since that is where i spend most of my time, and had some interviews. i didn't get either job. the blow, however, came in the form of this response from the woman, who liked me a lot but found someone who better suited her needs because she was "local".

when i told this to the boyfriend he said "how much more local did she want? you live right here." and i said, "but here's the thing, i don't, technically i live in the city." and he said, "but i don't understand why for the sake of the job, you couldn't just tell her that you live here." and i said, "because, i don't want to tell people that i live here, when technically, i don't. i'm sure you can appreciate that." silence from him.

silence that led to more silence and more silence and more silence piled upon more silence until finally i said, "i'm going to bed." which led him to say, "i'll have to move macy, she's in our bed." damn. a thunderstorm. could this day be more annoying? "yes, you'll need to move her, i'd like to go to bed." so he moved her. and i went to bed. and he came, and i said "i don't know where my home is and i'm tired of it." and we had h.o.t. sex. like the stuff movies are made of.

and then i woke up at 4:30 am and i couldn't fall back asleep, because my thoughts were so circular. it's always the same - one things feeds into the other which feeds into the other which comes back around to the first, and i'm left wondering if i've made the right decision by shacking up with him, or if it would be best for me to just go back and stay at my house that i work so hard to pay for until he is ready to have me truly move in?

so i got up at 4:30 and went downstairs and read. and he came looking for me. but i wasn't in the mood to talk.

so i read until macy got up for school. and i just wasn't in the mood to do all of the stuff i normally do for her and him in the mornings. i didn't help get her ready for school nor pack her lunch nor make her breakfast. i didn't make sure her hair was brushed nor tell her to get dressed, i just kept sitting there and reading. and i didn't ride with them to school. i just kept reading and reading and reading.

and he came back and kissed me and i just kept reading.

then finally at 10 i took a break and looked at facebook, and i lost it. competely had a meltdown. another friend got engaged last night, and somebody else posted their wedding photos, and here i sit, with no movement from the man who claims to want to marry me.

and i went upstairs and laid on the bed and cried. and he came in and hugged me. and i laid there and cried. and i finally said: "i'm just not sure what to do anymore. i really don't know. everyone is getting engaged and married, and you're not moving. i don't know what to do anymore." and he stared at me. so i continued, "do you know what it feels like to come in here and sleep in a room that's full of photos of your family? or to share a dresser with you and your wife? or to go to bed with a nightstand full of her stuff? or to open the closet and see her belongings? i haven't said anything because what am i to say, but do you have any idea how that feels?"

and he just looked at me. so i continued because i thought this was my only chance, "i mean, i just don't get it, and i keep telling you, but you don't do anything. it costs me $1,000.00 every month that i have to scrape together in babysitting money to pay for an apartment that you don't want me to live in. i have gone so far as to apply for jobs at grocery stores and big box stores. where do i live? shoud i apply for jobs there by the place i pay to live or here at the place that i actually stay? the ultimate was yesterday when i didn't get a job because i'm not considered to live here, even though this is where i stay, and you think you can just take you time and go through every room at your own leisure...i don't know if i should leave and let you just do things as you need to and come back when you've taken your time or what i should do at this point, what should i do?"

and he said, "what is it that you want me to do? i don't understand what you want me to do?"

and i said, "i don't really think that i should have to be telling you what you should do to make room for me in your house. i think that if you really want this, you should know what you need to do. i mean, winter is coming again, and you are the only one that can park in the garage for instance - did you ever think that perhaps i would like to park in the garage so i don't have to scrape off my car everyday? why would i need to tell you that? why wouldn't you think of that on your own? you should be thinking of me and of how to make room for me to be here if you want me here, i shouldn't have to tell you this stuff. i see other men marrying women, and i doubt they have to be told what to do, do you even really want this to happen?"

and he said, "yes". he continued, "i'd be more likely to clean up the basement if it didn't get filled up with stuff again. it's like i clean it and it just gets filled up with stuff again."

i just looked at him.

i got up and took a shower. while i was in the shower i could hear him cleaning stuff out. i came in the bedroom to dress after the shower, and i got dressed and noticed he was wearing his ipod headphones. i tapped him on the shoulder and told him i was leaving.

i took my computer and my book club book, and i left. i didn't really know where i was going, nor how long i'll be gone.

i've come to my apartment.

i have pet my cats for hours. i've called to lower my cell phone bill. i've made a vet appointment for next week, and i've written this blog. i don't really know what else to do, but i don't feel like going back, at least not yet.

i feel hurt.

macy will be looking for me after school.

i suppose i should get over it. i suppose that's what you have to do when you're in a relationship, get over it.

it's so annoying though. i mean, really?

i simply don't want to be always telling him what to do. i just don't. why can't he think of that stuff on his own. i mean, realistically, i'd think that he doesn't want to be bossed around by me.

how does it work?

the most frustrating thing is that i want to talk to my mom. but you're not supposed to talk to your mom about your significant other, they can't remain neutral, right?

i feel so alone. that's the worst part, i feel so damn alone.

does everybody feel this way in a relationship?

back to school

well, it's been a long summer. much different than i anticipated. it went so fast! too fast. i anticipated lots and lots of time with macy. i feel like i didn't get that much. i don't really know where the time went, honestly. i feel like i blinked, and 2 1/2 months passed like that.

i spent a lot of time with other people's children. too much time actually. a gig all day mondays, a gig monday night. an all day gig tuesdays that morphs into tuesday nights. a wednesday gig, a thursday gig, a different thursday night gig. occasionally a friday gig.

i thought i'd have a ton of money after the summer. but i don't. not at all. people cancel at the last minute. the babysitting world is a weird world. i see both sides of the coin - i am a sitter for so many people, yet we also hire sitters for macy. i swear, i'd love to be my sitter. i bake for my sitters. i ensure we have their favorite drink on hand. we either make dinner for them, have something special for them to eat, or leave them money to order something for dinner. you'd be amazed how many homes i go into that have NOTHING for me to eat. nothing. and i'm there for like 8 hours, or over the course of a meal time. people are not very considerate to their sitters.

anyway. i could go on and on about it.

it's redonk really. i mean, i'm reduced at this point in my life to applying to working in grocery stores and big box stores because they have good insurance programs. really? yes, really.

the boyfriend and i are still talking about getting married. i know - you're thinking "talking", why not doing. well, we've progressed. my stuff has started to move in. it's an emotional process, for both of us. in order for me to move my stuff in, a lot of old stuff has to move out - and that is hard. also, it's harder for me than i thought it would be. we put my duvee on his bed the other day, and i was like - wow, this is real. i'm not going to be living in my apartment anymore. i was kind of sad. not in a way that i want to go back and live there, i don't, i want to be with him. it feels good and right to be with him for the rest of my life, starting from yesterday's moment forward, so that isn't what i mean - it's just the closing of that single chapter that makes me a bit nostalgic. we have been planning where all of my furniture will go, and which things of his will be gotten rid of. today we talked about what kind of a ring i want. weird. it's really happening.

mostly, it's macy that i'm still adjusting to. honestly, sometimes she's such a brat. like. seriously. tonight for instance, is a perfect example. macy turned 9 over the summer. happy birthday macy. we had a blowout party for her, it was stellar. she had the best time ever. seriously. it was so fun, that it made my friends who don't have kids think that they could actually do it when they saw the photos on facebook. anyway, back to tonight. she went home from school with a friend, and that friend's mom took them out for a sushi dinner. macy loves sushi, it's her favorite food. we got a free night, so we also went out to dinner. yay us. so we go to pick her up, and on the way home she convinces her dad to get her a slurpee because it's "slurpee wednesday". her dad, the boyfriend, says "are you sure you want a slurpee because lucy and i are getting ice cream cones, wouldn't you rather just have an ice cream cone?" macy insists she'd rather have the slurpee, giving some long drawn out explanation as to why she doesn't need ice cream, blah blah blah...so we stop and get her the slurpee and drive on to the ice cream shop.

once we arrive at the ice cream shop, she decides she has changed her mind, and is ready to abandon the slurpee for ice cream. her dad says no. she is adamant this is what she's doing, and becomes a tad beligerent when he won't allow her to do it. macy tries to talk her way out of/into anything, and she goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ON about this. he doesn't stop her, just patiently keeps telling her no. she's on my last nerve after about the 10th time she asks. she finally says, "well then, i'm throwing this slurpee on the ground and getting and ice cream cone!" i finally step in and say "look macy, #1, if you are done with your slurpee, go throw it away in the garbage, not on the ground - that's littering. #2, stop complaining, your dad gave you the choice and you chose the slurpee, so stop complaining already! enough is enough!"

she turned around and went outside of the ice cream shop to wait on the benches outside. the boyfriend thought that he shouldn't get ice cream because it would make her feel bad. i said, "look, if you give in to her pouting, you will only teach her to continue to do it. get ice cream!" so we both got a cone and went outside and sat with her, as she sat with her back to us, facing the wall, pouting. the boyfriend offered her a bite of his cone. she took three. then she turned to me and said, "lucy, can i have a bite of yours?" "no," i said. "why not?" she asked. "because," i answered, "when i asked you for a bite of your slurpee you said no, so you can't have any of my ice cream now." "oh," she said, "do you want some of my slurpee now?" "no thanks," i repied. "suit yourself," she retorted, "i gave you a chance."

i sat there seething. knowing that i wasn't handling it right, and hating her just a little bit.

macy has a certain way of ruining everything. for me anyway. she is manipuative. she regresses when necessary and acts like a baby. the boyfriend and i will be having a terrific time, macy sees it and raises her arms in the air like a tiny baby and says in a childlike voice, "daddy...huggy?" that drives me bonkers. sometimes she doesn't even bother to say the words, she just stops what she's doing - be it reading, eating, running, anything, and stands with her arms in the air with this pathetic, controlling look on her face, bouncing, waiting for her father to come running into her arms for an embrace. when i'm there i break the moment by saying, "use your words, macy."

thunderstorms

last night there was a terrible thunderstorm. it lasted bascially all through the night, and into this morning.
it's actually still raining, with occasional lightning.
i think it's a remnant of tropical storm bonnie or something like that.

macy is terrified of thunderstorms.
it really annoys me.
can i say that?
it really does.
i feel guilty about that.
i feel like i should be more compassionate towards her when she's scared of them, but i'm not.
i get annoyed.
she covers her ears, and hides.

it annoys me because she wants to sleep with us.
i think this is ridiculous.
she will be 9 years old in two weeks, and i personally think this is too old to be sleeping with us.

the reasons i think this is too old to be sleeping with us are the following:
a) she goes to sleep away camp for a week every summer where there are thunderstorms, and she doesn't sleep with us then.
b) she wants to have sleep overs with her friends where there could potentially be thunderstorms and she couldn't sleep with us then.
c) i think it's part of the ongoing unhealthy relationship she and the boyfriend have where she acts like a baby and he allows her to and it freaking annoys me! it's like this part of their relationship where it feeds into each other, it's like they both need it in this really unhealthy way, and i can't stand it. maybe because i'm not a parent, maybe because i'm not part of it and it makes me jealous...i dunno.

anyway, my parents are in town this weekend staying with my sister and all six of us had a nice evening together. afterward the boyfriend, macy and i came back home. macy went to bed. the thunderstorm started, and so did the big ball of dread in my stomach. the boyfriend and i were watching a movie on tv when sure enough, here comes macy downstairs, with her ears plugged and jumps on top of my stomach, whining. i kept praying for it to pass, or for her to go back to sleep enough for him to carry her upstairs. but to no avail.

the whining starts, "daddy, can you please get me a drink of water so i don't have to take my fingers out of my ears?" "no macy, you can get it yourself, we're sitting right here, you go and get it." "but I don't want to!" "macy, that's enough." back to eyes closed. five minutes later..."daddy, can you PLEASE go get me a drink of water so i don't have to take my fingers out of my ears?" "no macy, i already told you no, you can get it yourself, we're sitting right here, you go and get it." "but DADDY!" small break... "DADDY!" "Ok macy." i shot him a glance that could have killed a small animal, and headed upstairs to get ready for bed. i absolutely hate it when he tells her no and then she whines repeatedly and he gives in. i mean, seriously, talk about reinforcing negative behavior, all that teaches her is that if she whines enough and repeatedly she can get whatever she wants.

so i'm upstairs brushing my teeth,and macy is standing in the hall with her water, and she asks where her dad is, and i say "downstairs, would you like me to tuck you back in?" and she says very matter of factly, "oh, i'm not going back to my bed, i'm sleeping in your room now, that's what always happens when it storms."

i was not happy about this. i knew it could be a possibility, but the boyfriend didn't discuss it with me. he didn't ask, can macy come in - would that be alright with you? would you mind? i think that's appropriate. the bed isn't really big enough for the three of us to sleep comfortably, it never works. macy spends the whole night waking me up to readjust herself or me, to get more pillows, more covers, ask me to quit snoring, etc, and frankly, she belongs in her own bed. period. i don't mean to be uncompassionate, but macy isn't a small child, she is an almost 9 year old girl, and a thunderstorm isn't an emergency. she's going to need to learn to sleep on her own.
she's not a baby.

i replied, "i don't know anything about this." i heard her go to her dad and say, "daddy, can i sleep with you." he said simply, "yes."

that was it, i grabbed my pajamas and headed for the basement. macy said, "where are you goin?" i said, "downstairs, i can't sleep with three of us in the bed." and i kissed her on the head and said good night. the boyfriend was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and i said "good night." he said, "where are you going?" and i said "downstairs." he said, "why?" i said "i can't sleep like that."

this morning i woke up at 6:15 to use the restroom and put my foot on the floor into a puddle of water. a flood, and it's still raining. i went to wake him and we've been working on getting the two inches of water out of the basement ever since.

macy came down and announced, "i slept great. daddy, your bed is way more comfortable than mine. i'd like to keep sleeping in there."

honestly, i feel like going home to my own apartment tonight.

i'm tired.

while we were working on the water, i said to the boyfriend, "honey, i need to talk to you about something - can you multi-task, or would another time be better?" he said another time would probably be better.

it's hard. i just feel like we parent completely differently. i'm a boundary setter. he gives in. it causes me to feel like i'm uncompassionate, and like he spoils her. it also causes tension between her and i because i feel like it is perpetually pitting us against one another. it shouldn't be that she's getting my place in the bed, that is simply wrong. i shouldn't have to share the bed with my boyfriend's daughter at the age of 9. i think that's weird.

maybe this isn't the relationship for me afterall. i simply don't know.

married?

so. the other night as we're going to bed the boyfriend asks if he can talk to me.
he tells me that he wants to get married to me right now.
yay.
this is what i've been waiting for, for my whole life.
to be married to the man i love, and i do love him.

i should be thrilled, right?
ecstatic, right?
we laid there, talking about whether or not he'd ask my dad, what kind of a wedding we'd want, silver or gold bands, who would balance the checkbook, etc...

but then it got complicated.
super complicated.

he can't get married right now. for several reasons.
i don't know how much i should divulge on this blog. i don't even know if i have any readers anyway. i was just reading an op-ed in the new york times over the weekend about an art piece at new york university called "growing" that a father did on his minor daughters thirty years ago. he filmed their growing breasts and genitals, asking them how they felt. now the piece has been purchased by nyu, and the women, currently in their 40's would like it destroyed. the writer spoke to the issue of creating art/writing about your family members and whether or not it's kosher. if you don't do it because somebody doesn't like it, then it's considered censorship. i don' t know if the boyfriend would appreciate me writing about his personal business - but here goes.

let's suffice it to say that part of the complexity has to do with his desire for his sole income to be his artistry, and he's not in a place to fully support himself, me and macy with that yet, so there is a waiting period (read: he'll need to find a different job in this economy). how long, nobody knows.

this wasn't an engagement, this was a getting it all out on the table talk.

the other aspect of this talk was to let me know how scared he is that i'll get pregnant in the meantime. his income is currently funded by social security as funded by his widow which permits him to work on his artistry, and if something were to happen and i were to become pregnant, he couldn't immediately fix it. couldn't run to the courthouse and marry me. we had a scare last month where my clockwork menses was 9 days late, and all of this fell on his shoulders - the reality of his financial situation, the desire to be married to me now, the urgency he felt to get his life in order since his artistry isn't taking off the way he felt that it should.

he wants to be in a place where he knows that he can support me, where he is making good decisions for all of us.

all of this is well and good, headed in the right direction. except that i'm ready now.

his solution to not getting pregnant is to stop having sex. this he feels is the only way to prevent the problem of an unwanted pregnancy before we are able to get married. he just told me this the other night, out of the blue, that he thinks we shouldn't be having sex anymore because he's worried something will happen and he can't fix it.

i mean, this was a lot of information at once: he wants to marry me, his income stops immediately when he gets married again and he thinks we should stop having sex.

needless to say, i wasn't sure how to feel: elated, shocked, awed, angry, disappointed, fearful. i felt it all. mostly, this wasn't how i expected to feel when the man i love said he wants to marry me. i settled on overwhelmed and began to cry.

thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, and monday - they've all been tension filled days. these are the days we should be happy. we were so happy wednesday night to finally stop skirting around the issue and speak out loud that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but rather than celebrating, we've been fighting and full of tension.

i'm sad and angry. he's not ready. he decided about not having sex without consulting me. i keep trying to explain to him that if i had decided that without consulting him, i doubt he'd be so understanding. that if i suddenly, one day just came to him and said that i didn't think we should have sex anymore until we got married, and i had no idea when that would be, that it could be years, i thought he'd probably have an issue with it. he feels defensive and that i'm being disrespectful of his decision because i've brought it up every day since. i have. we have friends that are married who stopped having sex. they've only been married for three years, and they haven't had sex in a year. i don't want that to happen to us. ever.

it starts with fear about something, and before you know it, it escalates into something else.

this morning i told him that i felt like my relationship was being ruled by his fears - my sex life by his fear of me getting pregnant and my marriage timeline by his fear of letting go of his social security check and that i didn't like it one bit. that i felt stuck, and ruled by his fears, and that i didn't think that was a healthy way to live.

needless to say, that didn't go over so well.

i feel like a real heel right now.

perhaps my fears are ruling the relationship as well. my fear that he won't pull through, that's a big one. my fear that this will be the end and we'll lose what we used to have. my fear that finding somebody who wants to marry me will be as close to marriage as i'll ever get. my fear of losing macy.

i dunno know anymore. i simply want to go to sleep.

sometimes i think i might internally be 12.

seriously.

this is going to be a quick post because i don't have much time.

today was the last day of my jobs for moms a and b.
i prayed for joy before i went, that i would enjoy the children and simply find joy in them.

it went well.
we played hide and go seek, monster, sidewalk chalk.
we played with the water table, we watched their favorite program on tv.
snack time went off with out a hitch.

i had 5 of them today, so i didn't have time to do the dishes, and i didn't worry about it.

we came in from playing outside and mom a was working upstairs.

one of the 2 year olds, the son of mom a, had a hard time playing down in the play room with us while his mother was upstairs working, so she let him run around upstairs with her.

about 10 minutes before i was to leave, the 4-year old girl, the one who is super duper bossy and snotty announced that she too was going upstairs to play. i asked her to please stay downstairs, as we only had 10 minutes left to play together, and if she went upstairs, the remaining 3 children would want to follow, and we needed to give her mother the last 10 minutes to finish her work.

she turned to me, and in the snottiest voice i have seriously ever heard come out of a child, she shouted, "LUCY, I AM GOING UPSTAIRS TO PLAY. STOP TALKING TO ME. I WILL DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT. YOU BE QUIET, I AM GOING TO PLAY WITH MY BROTHER AND YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!"

i was in the midst of telling her that i didn't appreciate her talking to me like that when suddenly her mother was standing at the top of the stairs.

the little girl turned around and bumped into her mother's knees.

her mother said, "catherine. you will turn around right now and apologize to lucy this instant." catherine turned around and lamely said, "sorry." so softly i couldn't hear her. her mother said, "catherine, no, that is not how you apologize. you will go downstairs, look her in the eye, and say 'lucy, i am sorry i spoke to you so rudely, please forgive me.' and you will wait to be forgiven." so she did. then her mother said, "now, if i EVER hear you speak like that again to lucy, you will receive a time out, is that understood?" "yes mommy." and, "and if i ever hear you speak like that again to another adult, you will also get a time out, is that understood?" "yes mommy." then, "when lucy is here, lucy is in charge, even when i am here working. you are NEVER to tell lucy what to do, is that clear? and you are never to speak to her in that voice again."

and what did i feel?

i felt like i wanted to scream, "haha catherine. fuck you. i win after all."

i swear, i'm 12.

Family Reunion

i started this blog to help. myself. others. everyone. though i have no followers. i don't think anybody reads it. perhaps it's really more like an on-line journal. i think i had one reader, once.

i am 41 years old, and single. i'm dating a widower with a daughter. i had no children in my life at all for the longest time other than the offspring of friends.

then, i was laid off, as i've mentioned, and out of desperation for money to live, started babysitting. babysitting became something i was really good at, something i really enjoyed though i hadn't done it since high school, and i started doing it all of the time. i started a business out of it, and started helping other unemployed people i know keep themselves afloat during this weird recession period. it can be pretty lucrative as well. i don't do it simply because it's lucrative, but that's just a fact, it is. if you can get a couple of families to share their time with you, it benefits everyone - you make more money per hour, they pay less per hour, and everyone wins. (unless they expect you to do the dishes...see previous post).

so i went from no children, to working with children and dating with children. and sometimes, it's hard. i don't remember who i am without children. only none of them are mine.

i was at a party last weekend, and there were children there, a lot of them children i'm often paid to be responsible for - only this time all parents were present, and i didn't know who i was without having to say "oh, don't touch that, oh, you need to ask for more, oh, be careful with that!" seriously, i was slightly at a loss.

i'm in this weird transition time, caught in between being single and being with family, and i'm neither. does that make sense? i basically live with the boyfriend and macy, but yet i have my own apartment too. i want to live with them, i love them. i feel like they are my family.

this weekend they are away at a family reunion for macy's mom's side of the family, and i'm back at my place. i'm happy they are doing what they need to do. i have things i need to do for me, but subconsciously, it's a struggle. i miss them. i missed macy waking me up early this morning. i miss hearing her wretched cartoons blasting incessantly from the tv and telling her to turn it off. i miss sitting with the boyfriend and reading the New York Times, and the way he smells when he comes back from running, all sweaty and manly.

i know, it's only one weekend.

i think it's amplified by the fact that i have to be on an antibiotic right now, and my body is reacting funny to it. it's making me all tired and weepy. i've had 128 ounces of cranberry juice in the past 24 hours, and it hurts when i pee (i think you know why i'm on the anti-biotic), and i'm just tired.

it's hot in my apartment and my airconditioning units aren't in. the boyfriend said i should stay at his house when he's gone, but i really do need to get stuff done at my place.

last night i went to see "the killers" with a girlfriend. it was better than i expected it to be. the posters for that film make it look completely lame, but it had some interesting twists, and was funnier than i expected.

i came home and caught up on back episodes of "the city" on mtv.com. kelly coutrone really does give good advice. she is like a fairy godmother.

i think what's really bothering me down deep inside, is the dreams i kept having last night, combined with the telephone conversation with the boyfriend before i went to bed. he called after the movie. it was sweet. he was telling me about being there, and about what i guess is his sister-in-law's family business she has. it sounds really cool. she and her husband and their two sons restore old cars. (when your wife passes, is her sister still your sister in law? i think so, he isn't sure what to call her because they've never been close.) anyway, they have this business where they restore old cars, which does sound particularly cool - especially for high school boys. they don't even drive yet, but can take apart, clean, restore, and put back together these cars. awesome. they are set as far as boys go, and having a skill like that will more than likely keep them out of trouble.

he was telling me all about it and sounded excited. he asked me about my night and what i was doing tomorrow and as i was telling him he interrupted me and said, "listen, i'm gonna get going, i'm fading fast, i'm tired." i hate it when he does that. it's so selfish. i said, "oh, am i boring you?" and he said, "no, i'm just getting tired." yeah, you're always tired lately.

i mean, he is. it's so annoying. i don't get it. he's ALWAYS tired. i know he has an 8 year old, but i basically live with them, and she doesn't make me that tired.

i can't tell if he's trying to escape, or if he is really tired, or if he's depressed, or if it's just his chemical make-up, or what's going on. i don't think it's normal to be that tired. he's a writer, so it's not like he's going to an office and putting in long grueling hours there, he pretty much sets his own hours.

sometimes i feel like he's half dead. i feel like telling him this.

i just don't know.

anyway.

i just said, "ok, good-bye." and we hung up.

when i went to bed last night, i had a dream that i was at the family reunion with them, and that his wife came back from the dead. and i didn't know what to do with myself. i was looking to the boyfriend for answers, and he just disappeared. i was waiting to see who he would choose, like in that movie with tom hanks where he is the fed ex worker and he is on that island forever with wilson and he comes back to helen hunt and she thought he was dead and has remarried and so they talk to each other but she has moved on, i thought about that movie in my dream, i thought - will he remember that he's now in a relationship with me? in the dream i was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and her sisters, and she was having to learn how to talk again, and she couldn't remember certain words. i had made eggs but she couldn't remember the word for eggs, she turned to me and said, "you...whatever your name is, you are the one who came here with my husband, what are these called?" and i said, "they are called eggs, and my name is lucy, and he's not your husband anymore."

the thing is, the boyfriend would be so upset if he knew i was feeling this way. he loves me. i just get insecure sometimes. it's silly really.

it's especially silly to feel so threatened by a deceased wife, right? right. silly, but normal. i'd guess. is it? i don't know.

i'll tell ya, things come up, that i never expected to come up. by things, i mean feelings.

normally, i just talk to him about these things, but it's hard right now. especially surrounding this topic. but i think i have to. i want to be perfectly honest with him, and i want him to be perfectly honest with me, and i think the only way to do that is to be, well, perfectly honest, even about the ugly things in my life.

last week was a hard week. we didn't have sex at all tuesday, wednesday or thursday, and that seems like a lot to me. it's allergy season, and allergy season means allergy pills and allergy pills mean a low flying sail.

i think it's more than that though. i know because i looked up his deceased wife's obituary that it's the anniversary of her death next week, and i think maybe that has something to do with it.

i dunno.

this stuff is complex, and we're facing all of it for the first time. we'll do it. we faced their wedding anniversary head on, and i know we can face the other stuff head on. once i get him to talk, it's always fine, it's just the getting him to talk that can be a little tricky, because he never thinks he needs to.

oh, men.

oh, emotions.

oh, my incredible need to discuss everything.

i have a friend who is a grief counselor in boston. she sent me a great booklet, that i just happened to get in the mail yesterday. perfect timing. it has all kinds of wonderful information in it. one of the examples is about how women and men deal with things differently. there was a couple who's best man at their wedding committed suicide. the woman needed to talk about it, the man didn't. he would go running, and decided to train for a marathon. the more he ran, the more tired he would be, and the more tired he was, the more able he was to sleep - which was what he needed. when he was running, she missed him, which made her need to talk even greater. finally, she realized that he was running as a way to deal with his grief, and she joined a support group to talk, and cheered him on at the marathon.

hmmm.

duh, lucy, duh.

oh. really?

so. today has been a bit frustrating, to say the least. i arose at the ripe time of 6 am to get right to it. i wanted to drink coffee and eat something before i hit the road at 7, and i need an hour for my thyroid medicine to absorb into my system before i can eat, so i got up, took it, and made coffee.
i got back in bed for a bit and cuddled the boyfriend, well, because he's cute.

then i came downstairs, made coffee, and checked email. macy woke up at 6:30 and i heard her go in the boyfriend's room and look for me. she came downstairs and looked for me and came and sat with me. she was in a snotty mood though, so that wasn't much fun. i hate it when she's like that. she was all about wanting to go outside and get a bug to bring inside to put in a spider web that she found. i told her to ask her dad first as i didn't think he'd appreciate a bug being brought into the house. she flipped out and got super snotty with me. i told her i didn't appreciate that, especially so early in the morning, before my coffee. she shouted FINE. i was like - look, knock it off. i'm not saying no, i'm simply saying ask your dad. she rolled her eyes. i said, "that's the equivalent of saying snotty words."

she stormed off. i thought perhaps she was hungry. so i said, "macy, are you hungry and would you like some breakfast?" yes. "can i make it for you?" no. "do you want to wait for your dad to make it for you?" no. "are you going to make it for yourself?" no. ok. forget it. i had a full day of snotty kids ahead of me that i was going to actually get paid to watch, i wasn't going to stand there letting her be rude to me for free, so i turned and walked away as the coffee was beeping.

i passed the boyfriend on the stairs as i was heading back up to dress and said, "careful..macy's got a stick up her ass this morning." he said, "uh-oh, what did she do." i said, "oh, she's just super snotty, and i'm not in the mood for it." i kissed him, and went in the room to get dressed.

when i came out, macy was on the toilet, door open, playing a video game. "hi" she said. "hi" i said back, and went in to the sink beside her to brush my teeth. "i'm not waiting for her to finish" i thought, i'm just going to do what i need to do and get outta here before i have to deal with her any further. "i like your skirt," she said. "thanks," i said, in between toothpaste spits. "can you turn away so i can wipe please?" she asked.

i left the bathroom, still brushing. she flushed and washed her hands, and i came in to finish brushing. macy was now in her room, playing her video game. i wondered if her father had sent her upstairs. my guess was yes, usually she'd be downstairs watching tv at that time...she musta been snotty to him too. shrug. i washed my face, applied eye cream and headed downstairs.

the boyfriend made me toast and wrapped it in a paper towel so i could take it to go, and filled up my to go mug with coffee, kissed me good-bye and we talked of a later love rendevous tonight. hopefully neither of us are too tired, as he and macy are leaving for a family vacation on a jet plane tomorrow of his deceased wife's side of the family, and i won't see him for 5 days, our longest separation to date. sigh.

as a side bar, i'm quasi looking forward to some time to myself. not to being away from him, but to some time to myself, just to regroup. our love affair has been fast and furious, and i need to organize. my apartment, which i've all but moved out of, is a disaster. i don't officially live with he and macy, but spend most nights during the week there lately, and probably will this summer, and all weekends. i go to my place to visit my cats. as i was going there today, i thought, "it's like i'm my own cat sitter." ridiculous.

anyway. on to my day. i am still finishing up this regular weekly gig for mom's A and B that i referenced in a previous post, and today was the day to do it. i arrived to my position 20 minutes early, and spent some time catching up on emails on my "smart phone" in the car. i went in at the appointed time, and found out that family B wasn't coming. fine. i've already resigned myself to the fact that for the next couple of weeks i may not make the money once promised to me, and i don't care anymore - i'm finishing up my duties with them and high tailing it out of there.

today though, reached a new low.

normally at this position, i have four children ages 4 and under (one 4 year old, two 2 year olds, and one 6 month old). the 4 year old is potty trained, the others are all in diapers.

i'm there in a four hour shift. we do a variety of activities while i'm there. the home i sit in is a four story town home (lots of fours in this story - four stories, four children, four hours, a four year old child...), with three different levels to play on, lots of staircases to go up and down. there is an outside space to play in, also on three levels, with three metal staircases to climb. lots of places to potentially fall, lots of diapers to change, lots of little toy pieces to keep out of little mouths, lots of personalities to balance.

i tell you all of this simply to set the stage: i'm a hands on sitter. i don't sit on the couch and watch tv, i interact. if the child is going up the stairs, i follow the child to make sure he or she doesn't fall. i can tell you every the children touched while i was there so if there is a missing piece, i know whether or not they swallowed it. if they are eating, i am watching every bite so there is no choking. children don't sit in a wet diaper on my watch.

again. four children, three of them in diapers on this shift.

so, today during snack time, the four-year old says to me, "lucy, my mommy said that i'm supposed to tell you that you're supposed to start washing the dishes when you're here. mommy says that she's tired of coming home after you've been here and there is a big mess. mommy says lucy is messy and that she wants you to start cleaning up better. mommy says you always make a big mess." oh. really.

um. well. 4 year old kid. lemme tell you a couple o'things. 1) your mom is on crack. that's right. crack cocaine. 2) i wash the dishes every fucking week i'm here, all of the dishes that we use that is. 3) perhaps your mom doesn't like coming home to see all of the breakfast dishes that she has left piled up on the sink. yeah, that's right, that sucks. dirty dishes are a pain in the ass, kiddo, but somebody's gotta clean them, and if she'd like me to do it, then perhaps she should say, "oh lucy, by the way, could you please add cleaning my kitchen to your duties IF YOU HAVE ANY TIME WHILE YOU ARE MAKING SURE THAT FOUR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 4 DON'T KILL THEMSELVES OR EACH OTHER OR CHOKE TO DEATH? thanks. 4) i have, on occasion when there has been opportunity and everybody has been safe, cleaned your mother's kitchen for her. she didn't thank me, nor offer to reimburse me at all, so dear 4-year old child, where is the motivation for me to do it again? 5) if your mother would like a maid, she should hire one. 6) and this is the most important, if your crack-head mother would like to tell me something, she should tell me herself, not tell you.

seriously. what is wrong with people? actually, i'm sure how it happened is that she probably said it outloud once or something, and this child is repeating what she heard. at least that's how i hope it happened. the thing is, this kid told me no less than 5 times to "wash the dishes." i finally said, "i need for you to understand two things - are you listening, because they are REALLY important. are you listening? 1) i'm in charge. you don't ever tell me what to do, so don't tell me again. got it? say ok so i know you understand. 2) i already washed the dishes, and i have every single time i come here, so nobody ever needs to tell me that ever again. you can tell anybody you need to, ok?" ok she said.

and i'm sure she did. she tells her mom EVERYTHING. she's like a verbal video recorder.

i don't care. the thing is, like i said, her mom is nice, at least i'd like to believe she is.

maybe it's me. maybe i'm just over this. i just feel taken advantage of a bit, and when that happens, i'm done.

d.o.n.e. done.