Saturday

My boyfriend is asleep on the couch. It's 9:46 pm. I've been waiting to play Scrabble, but I don't think it's gonna happen. I'm trying not to be angry. I'm thinking of taking my computer into another room before the snoring begins because I think the snoring will push me over the edge.

We're in our early 40's, and I think it's too early to fall asleep on a Saturday night. Up until 9 months ago when we met, I never would have been in at this time on a Saturday night unless I had decided to spend a quiet evening alone. Now, he's perpetually worn out by the 8-year old. But wait, he spent the day with me, and she spent the day with the sitter, so I'm not sure what the deal is. Why is he so tired? Why is he always so tired? We didn't even have sex last night. And it's looking like the same trajectory is ahead for tonight. Damn. This is boring. This is not what I had in mind when getting into a relationship.

Heck, Scrabble isn't even that exciting. But it is interactive. I thought it would keep him awake. Engaged. It's better than sitting in front of the tv. Listen to me. Is this even working?

He's so awesome to me. This morning I had a total meltdown. You see, I've been unemployed for almost two years. I've not been sitting around doing nothing unemployed, I've been looking for a job, and working everyday unemployed. I babysit, I do small projects for people. It's become ridiculous in my opinion actually. Two years ago I was the personal assistant to a tv personality. Now I'm a babysitter. Actually, the two jobs aren't that different on a day to day basis, sans the diaper changing and the pay checks. But back to the meltdown. This morning I got word that one of the gals I sit with on a regular basis will be leaving because she got into the graduate school program she applied to. Kudos to her, seriously. It's excellent news. But I completely melted as I realized - everyone's life is moving on, and I'm still unemployed. I completely freaked out over my watermelon and eggs breakfast. Sobbed. He sat there and listened to me, stroked my arm, held me and at the end of it all what did he say? He said, "I believe in you."

And now I'm thinking of him, upstairs (he just got up off of the couch, and I told him I was upset that we aren't playing Scrabble, jerk that I am, that I would have appreciated it if he could have just told me originally that he didn't want to play instead of telling me what I wanted to hear, that I think that is becoming a problem between us - him telling me what he thinks I want to hear rather than telling me what he really wants.) He looked tired and said, "Ok."

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will bake him a cake as a congratulations for getting his article pitch accepted. Tomorrow I will battle many wills with his 8-year old. Tomorrow we may go visit his mother. Tomorrow I will wake up and look over at him and wonder how on earth I came to be in this house with him, and how I ever woke up and got through any days without him. Tomorrow I will try not to hate myself so much. Tomorrow night he will still be tired. Maybe tomorrow we will play Scrabble.

For now, I will curl up beside him and love him..