i just had no idea.

this whole marriage thing, it's hard. so hard. i've heard it described that way, and i truly had no idea. i always envisioned it as such a happy time. i mean, come on. all of the photos make it look that way. blissful. the happiest time of your life.
i don't feel that way. not at all.
it feels so incredibly difficult.
so. incredibly. difficult.

i started writing this blog with the intentions to help myself, and in the process, help others. i've always heard that when you're in a serious relationship you're not supposed to talk to too many people about your problems, so i don't. instead, i write about them, hoping along the way to work this stuff out in my own head.

i don't know if other people go through this stuff too. i don't know if these feelings are normal, if we're a mismatch, what. the boyfriend has been married before, and i want to ask him if it was this difficult the first time around, but of course, he wasn't a widower the first time around. he also wasn't maneuvering through a relationship with a 9 year old the first time around. it isn't an apples to apples comparison. and frankly, i don't really want to be comparing our relationship to his first one, i fight doing that to myself enough.

i continually struggle with our situation. i basically live with he and macy, i haven't slept in my apartment in months. i still pay for my apartment, and my cats live in my apartment - a $1,000.00/month cat house. it's quite a strain actually. a terrible strain. ever so slowly over the past two years of my unemployment, i've been working my @$$ off babysitting and doing odd jobs to make ends meet, and ever so slowly drawing down from my savings account until basically, there is nothing left. i've made it for two years, and that i'm proud of, but it's hit panic mode at this point.

the boyfriend and i have had numerous conversations about this. he wants me to get rid of my apartment and officially move in with him, which i'd like to do too, but i'm not going to do it until we are officially engaged. i simply don't want to. i need the security of knowing it's really going to happen before i let go of what is mine - my home. i feel like i've given up a lot already, ya know? i mean, it's tough being a single girl, and gaining this whole family in one sitting. even though it's what i've wanted, it's still a shock. i feel that we've done remarkably well, but it's been a struggle too.

also, his home is basically set up the way it was when his family was complete, before his first wife tragically died. the majority of her things have been removed, but a few things still remain. of course. i mean, they shared that home together for at least a decade. their family photos are up everywhere. in his room there are photos of the two of them together, the dresser still has some personal items of hers in there, and there are two night stands, one of which is full of her items. there are also a few items in the closet. i've not said anything about these things - because really, what am i to say? it's become a tad of a conundrum as he wants me to move in, but how do you move in when it feels like there are already three people living there?

over the last weekend we did talk about how i needed some space to call my own, that there isn't really any space that is "mine". we worked a bit on that, clearing out a closet that was full of macy's baby clothes and toys. that was emotional for him, and i knew it would be. it's hard. it's closing a chapter on a life that nobody expected to cut short. and just as i felt nostalgic for my apartment, i'm sure he felt nostalgic for what was. i completely understood, and wanted to help him, even though i knew that he needed to work through it on his own.

it's just a difficult time.

and it's so hard for me. i don't know exactly where my home is. i live there, but still have my stuff at my apartment. the worst blow of all came later in the week, yesterday. we still aren't engaged, and therefore, i am still looking for ways to keep my rent paid. as school is back in session, my regular sitting jobs have gone back to slimmer hours, and i've been trying to pick up more hours. i applied for some jobs out near his house since that is where i spend most of my time, and had some interviews. i didn't get either job. the blow, however, came in the form of this response from the woman, who liked me a lot but found someone who better suited her needs because she was "local".

when i told this to the boyfriend he said "how much more local did she want? you live right here." and i said, "but here's the thing, i don't, technically i live in the city." and he said, "but i don't understand why for the sake of the job, you couldn't just tell her that you live here." and i said, "because, i don't want to tell people that i live here, when technically, i don't. i'm sure you can appreciate that." silence from him.

silence that led to more silence and more silence and more silence piled upon more silence until finally i said, "i'm going to bed." which led him to say, "i'll have to move macy, she's in our bed." damn. a thunderstorm. could this day be more annoying? "yes, you'll need to move her, i'd like to go to bed." so he moved her. and i went to bed. and he came, and i said "i don't know where my home is and i'm tired of it." and we had h.o.t. sex. like the stuff movies are made of.

and then i woke up at 4:30 am and i couldn't fall back asleep, because my thoughts were so circular. it's always the same - one things feeds into the other which feeds into the other which comes back around to the first, and i'm left wondering if i've made the right decision by shacking up with him, or if it would be best for me to just go back and stay at my house that i work so hard to pay for until he is ready to have me truly move in?

so i got up at 4:30 and went downstairs and read. and he came looking for me. but i wasn't in the mood to talk.

so i read until macy got up for school. and i just wasn't in the mood to do all of the stuff i normally do for her and him in the mornings. i didn't help get her ready for school nor pack her lunch nor make her breakfast. i didn't make sure her hair was brushed nor tell her to get dressed, i just kept sitting there and reading. and i didn't ride with them to school. i just kept reading and reading and reading.

and he came back and kissed me and i just kept reading.

then finally at 10 i took a break and looked at facebook, and i lost it. competely had a meltdown. another friend got engaged last night, and somebody else posted their wedding photos, and here i sit, with no movement from the man who claims to want to marry me.

and i went upstairs and laid on the bed and cried. and he came in and hugged me. and i laid there and cried. and i finally said: "i'm just not sure what to do anymore. i really don't know. everyone is getting engaged and married, and you're not moving. i don't know what to do anymore." and he stared at me. so i continued, "do you know what it feels like to come in here and sleep in a room that's full of photos of your family? or to share a dresser with you and your wife? or to go to bed with a nightstand full of her stuff? or to open the closet and see her belongings? i haven't said anything because what am i to say, but do you have any idea how that feels?"

and he just looked at me. so i continued because i thought this was my only chance, "i mean, i just don't get it, and i keep telling you, but you don't do anything. it costs me $1,000.00 every month that i have to scrape together in babysitting money to pay for an apartment that you don't want me to live in. i have gone so far as to apply for jobs at grocery stores and big box stores. where do i live? shoud i apply for jobs there by the place i pay to live or here at the place that i actually stay? the ultimate was yesterday when i didn't get a job because i'm not considered to live here, even though this is where i stay, and you think you can just take you time and go through every room at your own leisure...i don't know if i should leave and let you just do things as you need to and come back when you've taken your time or what i should do at this point, what should i do?"

and he said, "what is it that you want me to do? i don't understand what you want me to do?"

and i said, "i don't really think that i should have to be telling you what you should do to make room for me in your house. i think that if you really want this, you should know what you need to do. i mean, winter is coming again, and you are the only one that can park in the garage for instance - did you ever think that perhaps i would like to park in the garage so i don't have to scrape off my car everyday? why would i need to tell you that? why wouldn't you think of that on your own? you should be thinking of me and of how to make room for me to be here if you want me here, i shouldn't have to tell you this stuff. i see other men marrying women, and i doubt they have to be told what to do, do you even really want this to happen?"

and he said, "yes". he continued, "i'd be more likely to clean up the basement if it didn't get filled up with stuff again. it's like i clean it and it just gets filled up with stuff again."

i just looked at him.

i got up and took a shower. while i was in the shower i could hear him cleaning stuff out. i came in the bedroom to dress after the shower, and i got dressed and noticed he was wearing his ipod headphones. i tapped him on the shoulder and told him i was leaving.

i took my computer and my book club book, and i left. i didn't really know where i was going, nor how long i'll be gone.

i've come to my apartment.

i have pet my cats for hours. i've called to lower my cell phone bill. i've made a vet appointment for next week, and i've written this blog. i don't really know what else to do, but i don't feel like going back, at least not yet.

i feel hurt.

macy will be looking for me after school.

i suppose i should get over it. i suppose that's what you have to do when you're in a relationship, get over it.

it's so annoying though. i mean, really?

i simply don't want to be always telling him what to do. i just don't. why can't he think of that stuff on his own. i mean, realistically, i'd think that he doesn't want to be bossed around by me.

how does it work?

the most frustrating thing is that i want to talk to my mom. but you're not supposed to talk to your mom about your significant other, they can't remain neutral, right?

i feel so alone. that's the worst part, i feel so damn alone.

does everybody feel this way in a relationship?

back to school

well, it's been a long summer. much different than i anticipated. it went so fast! too fast. i anticipated lots and lots of time with macy. i feel like i didn't get that much. i don't really know where the time went, honestly. i feel like i blinked, and 2 1/2 months passed like that.

i spent a lot of time with other people's children. too much time actually. a gig all day mondays, a gig monday night. an all day gig tuesdays that morphs into tuesday nights. a wednesday gig, a thursday gig, a different thursday night gig. occasionally a friday gig.

i thought i'd have a ton of money after the summer. but i don't. not at all. people cancel at the last minute. the babysitting world is a weird world. i see both sides of the coin - i am a sitter for so many people, yet we also hire sitters for macy. i swear, i'd love to be my sitter. i bake for my sitters. i ensure we have their favorite drink on hand. we either make dinner for them, have something special for them to eat, or leave them money to order something for dinner. you'd be amazed how many homes i go into that have NOTHING for me to eat. nothing. and i'm there for like 8 hours, or over the course of a meal time. people are not very considerate to their sitters.

anyway. i could go on and on about it.

it's redonk really. i mean, i'm reduced at this point in my life to applying to working in grocery stores and big box stores because they have good insurance programs. really? yes, really.

the boyfriend and i are still talking about getting married. i know - you're thinking "talking", why not doing. well, we've progressed. my stuff has started to move in. it's an emotional process, for both of us. in order for me to move my stuff in, a lot of old stuff has to move out - and that is hard. also, it's harder for me than i thought it would be. we put my duvee on his bed the other day, and i was like - wow, this is real. i'm not going to be living in my apartment anymore. i was kind of sad. not in a way that i want to go back and live there, i don't, i want to be with him. it feels good and right to be with him for the rest of my life, starting from yesterday's moment forward, so that isn't what i mean - it's just the closing of that single chapter that makes me a bit nostalgic. we have been planning where all of my furniture will go, and which things of his will be gotten rid of. today we talked about what kind of a ring i want. weird. it's really happening.

mostly, it's macy that i'm still adjusting to. honestly, sometimes she's such a brat. like. seriously. tonight for instance, is a perfect example. macy turned 9 over the summer. happy birthday macy. we had a blowout party for her, it was stellar. she had the best time ever. seriously. it was so fun, that it made my friends who don't have kids think that they could actually do it when they saw the photos on facebook. anyway, back to tonight. she went home from school with a friend, and that friend's mom took them out for a sushi dinner. macy loves sushi, it's her favorite food. we got a free night, so we also went out to dinner. yay us. so we go to pick her up, and on the way home she convinces her dad to get her a slurpee because it's "slurpee wednesday". her dad, the boyfriend, says "are you sure you want a slurpee because lucy and i are getting ice cream cones, wouldn't you rather just have an ice cream cone?" macy insists she'd rather have the slurpee, giving some long drawn out explanation as to why she doesn't need ice cream, blah blah blah...so we stop and get her the slurpee and drive on to the ice cream shop.

once we arrive at the ice cream shop, she decides she has changed her mind, and is ready to abandon the slurpee for ice cream. her dad says no. she is adamant this is what she's doing, and becomes a tad beligerent when he won't allow her to do it. macy tries to talk her way out of/into anything, and she goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ON about this. he doesn't stop her, just patiently keeps telling her no. she's on my last nerve after about the 10th time she asks. she finally says, "well then, i'm throwing this slurpee on the ground and getting and ice cream cone!" i finally step in and say "look macy, #1, if you are done with your slurpee, go throw it away in the garbage, not on the ground - that's littering. #2, stop complaining, your dad gave you the choice and you chose the slurpee, so stop complaining already! enough is enough!"

she turned around and went outside of the ice cream shop to wait on the benches outside. the boyfriend thought that he shouldn't get ice cream because it would make her feel bad. i said, "look, if you give in to her pouting, you will only teach her to continue to do it. get ice cream!" so we both got a cone and went outside and sat with her, as she sat with her back to us, facing the wall, pouting. the boyfriend offered her a bite of his cone. she took three. then she turned to me and said, "lucy, can i have a bite of yours?" "no," i said. "why not?" she asked. "because," i answered, "when i asked you for a bite of your slurpee you said no, so you can't have any of my ice cream now." "oh," she said, "do you want some of my slurpee now?" "no thanks," i repied. "suit yourself," she retorted, "i gave you a chance."

i sat there seething. knowing that i wasn't handling it right, and hating her just a little bit.

macy has a certain way of ruining everything. for me anyway. she is manipuative. she regresses when necessary and acts like a baby. the boyfriend and i will be having a terrific time, macy sees it and raises her arms in the air like a tiny baby and says in a childlike voice, "daddy...huggy?" that drives me bonkers. sometimes she doesn't even bother to say the words, she just stops what she's doing - be it reading, eating, running, anything, and stands with her arms in the air with this pathetic, controlling look on her face, bouncing, waiting for her father to come running into her arms for an embrace. when i'm there i break the moment by saying, "use your words, macy."