thunderstorms

last night there was a terrible thunderstorm. it lasted bascially all through the night, and into this morning.
it's actually still raining, with occasional lightning.
i think it's a remnant of tropical storm bonnie or something like that.

macy is terrified of thunderstorms.
it really annoys me.
can i say that?
it really does.
i feel guilty about that.
i feel like i should be more compassionate towards her when she's scared of them, but i'm not.
i get annoyed.
she covers her ears, and hides.

it annoys me because she wants to sleep with us.
i think this is ridiculous.
she will be 9 years old in two weeks, and i personally think this is too old to be sleeping with us.

the reasons i think this is too old to be sleeping with us are the following:
a) she goes to sleep away camp for a week every summer where there are thunderstorms, and she doesn't sleep with us then.
b) she wants to have sleep overs with her friends where there could potentially be thunderstorms and she couldn't sleep with us then.
c) i think it's part of the ongoing unhealthy relationship she and the boyfriend have where she acts like a baby and he allows her to and it freaking annoys me! it's like this part of their relationship where it feeds into each other, it's like they both need it in this really unhealthy way, and i can't stand it. maybe because i'm not a parent, maybe because i'm not part of it and it makes me jealous...i dunno.

anyway, my parents are in town this weekend staying with my sister and all six of us had a nice evening together. afterward the boyfriend, macy and i came back home. macy went to bed. the thunderstorm started, and so did the big ball of dread in my stomach. the boyfriend and i were watching a movie on tv when sure enough, here comes macy downstairs, with her ears plugged and jumps on top of my stomach, whining. i kept praying for it to pass, or for her to go back to sleep enough for him to carry her upstairs. but to no avail.

the whining starts, "daddy, can you please get me a drink of water so i don't have to take my fingers out of my ears?" "no macy, you can get it yourself, we're sitting right here, you go and get it." "but I don't want to!" "macy, that's enough." back to eyes closed. five minutes later..."daddy, can you PLEASE go get me a drink of water so i don't have to take my fingers out of my ears?" "no macy, i already told you no, you can get it yourself, we're sitting right here, you go and get it." "but DADDY!" small break... "DADDY!" "Ok macy." i shot him a glance that could have killed a small animal, and headed upstairs to get ready for bed. i absolutely hate it when he tells her no and then she whines repeatedly and he gives in. i mean, seriously, talk about reinforcing negative behavior, all that teaches her is that if she whines enough and repeatedly she can get whatever she wants.

so i'm upstairs brushing my teeth,and macy is standing in the hall with her water, and she asks where her dad is, and i say "downstairs, would you like me to tuck you back in?" and she says very matter of factly, "oh, i'm not going back to my bed, i'm sleeping in your room now, that's what always happens when it storms."

i was not happy about this. i knew it could be a possibility, but the boyfriend didn't discuss it with me. he didn't ask, can macy come in - would that be alright with you? would you mind? i think that's appropriate. the bed isn't really big enough for the three of us to sleep comfortably, it never works. macy spends the whole night waking me up to readjust herself or me, to get more pillows, more covers, ask me to quit snoring, etc, and frankly, she belongs in her own bed. period. i don't mean to be uncompassionate, but macy isn't a small child, she is an almost 9 year old girl, and a thunderstorm isn't an emergency. she's going to need to learn to sleep on her own.
she's not a baby.

i replied, "i don't know anything about this." i heard her go to her dad and say, "daddy, can i sleep with you." he said simply, "yes."

that was it, i grabbed my pajamas and headed for the basement. macy said, "where are you goin?" i said, "downstairs, i can't sleep with three of us in the bed." and i kissed her on the head and said good night. the boyfriend was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and i said "good night." he said, "where are you going?" and i said "downstairs." he said, "why?" i said "i can't sleep like that."

this morning i woke up at 6:15 to use the restroom and put my foot on the floor into a puddle of water. a flood, and it's still raining. i went to wake him and we've been working on getting the two inches of water out of the basement ever since.

macy came down and announced, "i slept great. daddy, your bed is way more comfortable than mine. i'd like to keep sleeping in there."

honestly, i feel like going home to my own apartment tonight.

i'm tired.

while we were working on the water, i said to the boyfriend, "honey, i need to talk to you about something - can you multi-task, or would another time be better?" he said another time would probably be better.

it's hard. i just feel like we parent completely differently. i'm a boundary setter. he gives in. it causes me to feel like i'm uncompassionate, and like he spoils her. it also causes tension between her and i because i feel like it is perpetually pitting us against one another. it shouldn't be that she's getting my place in the bed, that is simply wrong. i shouldn't have to share the bed with my boyfriend's daughter at the age of 9. i think that's weird.

maybe this isn't the relationship for me afterall. i simply don't know.